today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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