People in love make me want to vomit
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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