I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
