Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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