And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
