My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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