I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
