i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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