chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
