I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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