just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
