Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
