I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
