well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
