two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
