so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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