The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
