he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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