i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
