I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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