Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
