in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
