so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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