speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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