Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
