saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
