I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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