I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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