oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
