I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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