Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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