you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
