After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
