I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
