I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
