I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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