i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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