turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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