It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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