sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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