He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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