She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
