I puked a lego.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
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I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
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I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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