now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
