my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
