yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.