Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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