Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Randomize
