Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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