I could have mohawked her pubes.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
