I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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