So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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