you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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