My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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