Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
