woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
