You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
