i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
