Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
