Someone shit on the floor
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
