how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
